The post I don't want to make.

Well, I see I haven't posted in a while. And I'm really not looking forward to this post, but it has to be done.

For the past few weeks, I have not felt "pregnant". You know, the typical tired all the time, kinda gross feeling in the morning, pants getting tighter.... I just thought that maybe this time, it was different. They always say each pregnancy is different, so I just thought this one was. I even emailed my OB to ask her about it. (That's what happens when you are friends with your patients on facebook :-) She told me it can be normal to not feel sick and not show yet, even on my second pregnancy. Then on sunday, I was singing in praise team at church and another expecting mom came up front to light an advent candle and she is majorly showing!! Plus she is due after I was. Well, then I got nervous. I knew I had an appointment on the 22nd, so I would have to wait and see. Monday morning rolled around and I went to work. At about 3:30, I went to the bathroom and saw that I was spotting a little bit. Then I knew. Something is not right here. I called my OB's office and I was scheduled for an ultrasound originally for Thursday, but I got in Tuesday due to a cancellation.

All day Tuesday, I was preparing myself that it was not good. I was trying to steel myself against heartbreaking news that I did NOT want to hear. So when 1:45 rolled around, I just told my coworkers I'd be back in a bit, I was going to get and ultrasound. I was nervous sitting there waiting, and then Joy called my name to come in. Joy is an old coworker of mine who moved from the ultrasound dept at Metro to my OB's office. She asked me a bit about what was going on, and I told her. She said it doesn't mean that it is bad that I'm spotting, apparently when the baby implants, you can spot. So I thought, "ok, maybe that's what's happening". Well, as soon as she started scanning, I didn't want to look at the screen. I did for a second, but I didn't see anything moving, no heart beat. I looked away, and she said, "I'm sorry, but it looks like the baby stopped progressing around 9 or 10 weeks."

I lost it.

If you think that you can prepare yourself for something like that, you can't. Even though I had pretty much told myself already that I had miscarried, I was not prepared to know that I was right. Even though I hadn't ever felt the baby move or heard a heart beat, I still had plans and dreams for that baby. People say, "you can have another one". I know I can, but I really wanted that one!

I don't understand the plans that God has for us, but I know he has something better planned for us. He obviously needed this child with him more than we needed him/her. We have the hope of knowing that we will meet this baby someday. It gives me something more to look forward to, knowing that when I die, I will finally be able to meet our child.

Thank you all for your prayers. It means a lot to us to have such great friends and family that we can lean on in times like this. Hopefully, I'll be posting soon about another brother or sister for Charlie.....